Thankful for December

I have been feeling a bit weighed down these last couple of weeks. It's just all a bit much! Work, baby, schedules, wedding planning, tiny-housekeeping, etc.  And I'm not one to glorify "busy". I'm actually not a fan. I love having a rich, full, and even challenging schedule....but it has to be one that allows me to have quiet moments, to feel rested, and to recharge from time to time. And so today I'm feeling grateful for a new month. I'm all about those fresh starts!

And as I was feeling overwhelmed recently, I thought back to this Instagram post I read back when I was just a few months pregnant with Ro. I remember at the time thinking "wow, there's no way this will be me". But at the same time I realized that I had no idea what it felt like to have a baby, and the writing sounded so authentic and true...I knew I should save it in case I ever found myself there.

Do you remember? Because I don't, I was in such a hurry. Full speed ahead. Feeling like I barely survived each day. Pushing and praying for it to get easier. And now...it's all so fuzzy, mixed up and faded. The memories I have of the first year. Where are they? I somehow feel that I need to apologize to you. Tell you how sorry I am for merely surviving. How easily frustrated I turned and how desperately lonely my heart was. That I didn't stop to let it all settle in and wrap myself in the new life you birthed me into. I often wonder if I'll always live my life this way. Being swallowed in my own needs, rushing and wishing days into the ground while you simply and wildly live so present and free. Last night I walked through the front door to hear your laughs bouncing off every wall. Finding you in a bath of sea creatures and bliss. You were so lit up. So full. And I thought to myself...what the hell am I doing? This is it...this is life...what am I searching for that's so big and better? Always digging and ripping and pulling and rushing. It can be this simple...Can't it? It can be slow...can't it? I can remember this... I will remember this." --@gkiddskygazer

Something in that passage speaks to me, and now I can see how easily one could fall into this place. I've gone back to it a couple of times since I had Rowen, using it to check-in on myself. It's been a kind reminder to be mindful and present during these crazy times. And lately I've felt almost to that point of "merely surviving" and lonely frustration. I've caught myself pining for those magical scenes and curated lives I see on Instagram photos, wishing for the "big and better". But when I take a moment to think about it, I know I'm here, present. Laughing with Rowen everyday, smiling at our miraculous views, putting everything else aside when necessary to embrace slow moments of love and discovery. And the anxiety goes away. Sometimes, all you need is a little reminder!

And thank goodness for photos, which help keep the memories clear. Here are some taken back when Rowen was a little 2-month-old squirt by our dear friend Alexa Heung.